Flying By...

Wow! Time has flown by for this busy chica, lo siento to all of my readers for not updating more frequently. <yes, I randomly speak spanish for the heck of it>

Where to begin, well I laid to rest my beloved, pain in the ass Explorer and am now the proud new owner of a 2011 Chevy Impala. I was able to boost my credit score over 100 points since last December and was per-approved for a loan, hold the applause please. I hastily sold my Explorer and all of the problems aka broken strut, bald tires, 150k+ miles, worn routers, etc. I now own a vehicle with a powerful V6 engine (currently waiting for the red, white and blue lights to come screeching up behind me) and is in mint condition with 34k miles. What a difference a newer car makes. My breaks are so sensitive I still have whip lash from my first week of driving it. I feel truly blessed for being able to finance this car solo, with no help from my parents or family members and can honestly say it is MY car :)

Onto the next chapter, literally. I am currently rereading 50 Shades of Grey, which happens to be the most erotic novel I have read in my short 21 years of life. I must say, it is the best book series I have gotten my nose in and I cannot believe a book based on a dom/sub relationship can be so addicting. But it is! I will now remain single FOREVER because my standards have been set to Christian Grey levels. Which means, sorry boys, but pretty much no one can compare to this character. I have fallen head over heals in love with this man and his ideals, goals and life itself. Amazingly, given the content I have yet to hear a single woman talk bad about this series. The sex scenes are hot, the relationship is for us hopeless romantics and the financial/life situations are those many dream of. The talk of the town is this book series and after a week of late nights to finish the trilogy I can see why!

I currently am packing to go on a short mini trip with one of my dearest friends to Knox, Indiana for the weekend. Talk about two days of sunshine, beer and good company :) and in less then two weeks I am off on another wild wind adventure to Virginia Beach for a scenery change. Talk about a great July huh?

I have nothing sad to say, because I am doing so much better in life. I do not dwell on this past winter. Instead I think of the happy times and can honestly say I am in such a good place right now. Financially I am doing good, my apartment decor is coming along quite smoothly and time is flying by at lightning speed.

 Before I knew it, I was booking a room for my best friend's wedding! How crazy is that? So many people from high school are having babies, getting engaged, planning for the future. Where does my future belong, besides with Christian Grey? Who knows? School starts August 20th and my goal is to have a plan by the end of my first semester at Ivy Tech. I plan on actually going to my classes, completing homework and maybe even studying for exams gasp!
We will see what the future hold, but until then, thanks for reading my quick catch up! Adios Amigos.

Habitual- sing it for me

I am a person of habit. I wake up around 8 even if I don't have to. I am not a fully functioning person until I have had at least 2 strong cups of coffee. For the most part I work the same shifts every week, I hang out with the same people and I do the same activities.
 One thing has completely changed in my routine, and that is my music style. I have gone from R&B and Pop to full out Country- gasp!! Everyone who knows me must remember I spent 21 years making fun of people who listened to songs about pick up trucks, cold beer and harvest time. Now this is all I listen to, and I do not miss my old music style. Of course I still will blare Drake and Rhianna in my headphones, but this is a rare occurrence. Now my iPhone is full of Luke Bryan(my favorite), Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, Dierks Bentley, Eric Church, Eli Young Band, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney and more. I know, EXACT opposite of what I usually listen to.
The thing is, country songs have meaning. They deal with love, a warm summer day, the good and bad family times.

My other music is about banging some chic, the bar scene and other useless crap. Country has soul and meaning, something I was missing out on music wise.
The funny thing is, my ex is the one who got me into this. When he passed away we went through his laptop and found a downloaded song from YouTube. "I Don't Want This Night To End" by Luke Bryan. I listened to it over and over and over during the month of February and later on borrowed the cd from my mom (another country fan). I fell in love. Every song he sings is amazing and has something we can relate to. I started listening to Hank FM in my car and realized I am a huge country fan. I just needed to be pushed in that direction- weird how it happened.

This music genre has honestly changed me. Each song has a story behind it, a special meaning. I love listening to each one and trying to learn the story, feel the emotion behind the lyrics. Yeah I realize I am taking this a bit to the extreme, but there is no better feeling then laying by the pool and setting my pandora station to country. I love almost every song I hear and usually end up buying them all on iTunes. My mom and sister are huge country fans. My sister and I have not spoken in years yet when she learned I am a country fan she promptly made me a CD. Speaking relationship in the future, maybe? Yeah who knows on that part, but it is something I have tucked into the back of my mind for further thinking on sometime.

So yes, I have changed completely. I now want a cute plaid shirt and a brown cowgirl hat. :) Nah not that bad, well...maybe. But this small change has made a difference, even my mom commented on it. I have it playing in the background at all times and really appreciate music now. Silly thing, how much this has changed me. But it is for the better, and I am loving it.
Random post yes, but to those of you who are not country fans think again. Listen to a few songs, hear the words and put it together.
Find the meaning, there is something for everyone.

lonely times, say what?

I must say, sometimes I forget about this handy little blog. Life has been overwhelmingly busy these past few weeks. I have been a crazy busy bee, and have not had much time to myself. I know it seems weird to many of you. Sarah? That girl? The weirdo who would rather chill at home then go out day after day? Yeah, that's me, that's the girl. Or was the girl.

I believe it started when I got back from my trip to Missouri. To my fellow readers, you may recall how excited I was when I walked through the doors at Cracker Barrel after being gone for a week. The hello's, we've missed you's, and the excitement of feeling back at home. I realized part of my excitement was from hanging out with people all week. At Jordan's place in Missouri, there were friendly faces everywhere and always something to do. I was constantly surrounded by good friends and had no time to myself. At first I thought I would not care too much for the constant traffic flow and no down time. But once coming home and going to bed in my lonely apartment I realized how boring it was. And how much I missed interaction with people.

Ok, now I'm not a freak. I worked almost every day and went to school and saw my family. I didn't hole up every day all day in my apartment. But I also did not venture out unless I had to. I am shy by nature, too shy in my mind. I get uncomfortable around strangers and crowds. I didn't use to be like this, and am not sure how it got to this place. Actually, I do but won't go into it right now. Anywho, I was not one to go out with friends, plan a shopping spree or do dinner with others. I craved my alone time and always came up with an excuse to flake on people and plans we had made. Well, I gotta say that no longer happens. I am NEVER home. In fact, the only reason I am writing this right now is because I am legit sick with flu-like symptoms and was forced to cancel dinner plans for the evening. :(

I can honestly say these past few weeks have been better therapy than any shrink. No offense to mine, she is a great person who has helped me a lot. But I notice my laughter comes more easily than before,  I am not too shy to speak in front of a small group of people and I don't care to be at home all of the time. It feels weird and terribly quiet even with the TV or my Ipod on for background noise. I have become a more open person and no longer hide my thoughts and feelings from everyone. I still don't trust many people and have a hard time talking to certain people. But I feel like my life is more of an open book for others to look through and wonder and want to get to know me.

I do not crave the lonely times anymore and find them positively boring.  To those of you out there who find comfort in their computers, television and bottle of Jack: take note. It is no way to lead your life. You HAVE to get back out there no matter what has backed you into your hole. Friendships mean everything and do not come and go once you grab hold of the right ones. Family always comes first no matter what. They know you as well as you know yourself, sometimes even better. They will always be there for you whether you are flipping burgers, running a fortune 500 company or "finding" yourself. They have been there since day 1 and will continually be there whether you want them or not.
So get out there friends. Make dinner plans with someone you lost contact with, blow money on a cute outfit to where during a downtown shopping day with a girlfriend, or make a popcorn and movie date for this Friday night. Being surrounded by friends and family can really change a person and their outlook on life. I recommend it, from first hand experience. It has changed my life for the better. In a matter of weeks I have noticed a difference and you can too! The best part? It is FUN!!

Living Vicariously :)

ok readers, so far my quest to have a terrific summer is off to an amazing start! I am busy all day nearly every day. Time is flying by, which made me realize I have not updated in a week or so. I have been spending a great deal with Shawn and Alyssa (sissy), my ex's grand kids. They are the love of my life and I would truly do anything for these two. They light up at the smallest things and genuinely love coming over to my place for a night or two. They ask for chocolate chip pancakes, we have family movie night, go golfing, have long talks and just have fun. I feel like a kid again and feel so important in their lives. Yeah, I'm kinda crazy about these two. They keep me grounded, in a good way, and remind me about the small things in life that we tend to forget about while on the go.
went to the 500 on Sunday with one of my best friends and had a blast. Yeah I thought it would be weird to go without him for the first time but it really wasn't. I felt nostalgic and definitely missed him and I doing our 500 weekend rituals, but I am too much of a race fan to give up something I very much enjoy. We drank Daily's frozen daiquiris, took pictures and got some great sun. I must say it was one of the greatest races I've watched in a while. With over 31 lead changes and the accident during the final lap, we were constantly on the edge of our seats. I am hoping to go to the Brickyard 400 this year and take Shawn, redneck much? We shall see how work goes and how cheap I can buy tickets. 
all in all this last week has been so darn good. I am honestly happy and don't think too much about the bad stuff. I am constantly on the go (waiting for gas to go even lower ;)) and surround myself with the people who mean the most to me. I am going to my parents more often, spending a lot of time in Brownsburg with my second family and make plans with friends almost daily. Life is going so good right now I am almost waiting for the next shoe to drop. Keep your fingers crossed it doesn't happen. 
Until next time friends! 

Sweet Summertime

hey kiddos,
I know it has been a while since I have written to you all. Life has been busy lately (no complaints eh?). With Missouri two weeks ago, which was amazing and working my doubles I haven't had much to blog about. 
let's start with Missouri, talk about a spectacular time. I visited my best friend, my separated at birth blonde at heart twin. We have been best friends for years, even with her living in Hawaii (jealous much?) and us not talking for a few years. She is the type you can always count on and doesn't judge your actions. I flew out and spent the week living with her, her fiance and their roommate. I didn't stress about a single thing other than what type of alcoholic beverage to try next or what munchie to buy at the grocery store. We spent hours catching up on life, talking about the silliest stuff and just relaxed. It reminded me how important our friendship is. I considered moving out there...even apartment shopped a bit. We had a plan on how to move everything out there and for me to get a fresh start. To be honest, if I wasn't in a lease I would have canceled my flight back to Indy.
and then i came home... and realized how much I am needed in Indy right now. I missed my parents, my brother and their doggies. I missed my other family, the Freije's and was reminded how important they are and how much I love spending time in Brownsburg. I came back to reality when I got home, and for now decided to put Missouri on hold. Let's start with Saturday, the 12th. I had no food, a crappy phone and a bunch of birthdays and holidays to shop for. I spent the day blowing through my cash and treated myself to the...wait for it...ta daaaa IPHONE!! I never spend that type of money on myself, and regretted it at first, but no way will I ever go back to Android - sorry Shelly!! I went back to work on Mothers Day and when I first walked into Cracker Barrel after a week off, I realized how many good friends I have there. My managers all said hi, asked how my vacation was and everyone made a point to come up and chat. I guess after being there for almost three years that is the reaction when your gone for so long. And as cheesy as it sounds, it felt really good to be back.
on monday, I heard the horrible news of my ex's ex mother-in-law (figure that one out) passing away. Her name was Sally and she was an absolute sweetheart. I went to the showing and was there for the family. This was when it hit me I need to stay in Indy for a little while longer. The showing was at the same mortuary as Tom's and that was difficult to go through. But I was able to see the whole family again and I felt so lucky to have them back in my life. I get to see his grandkids, who I call my kiddos, and keep them once a week this summer. This starts tonight!! I am so excited, it is absolutely ridiculous. Tom and I use to take them for a few days at a time during the summer and we would go fishing, golfing, swimming and cookout with them. They mean the world to me and I think it will be good for all three of us to do stuff together. They are having a rough time adjusting to their papaw being gone and I really hope to help them.
i haven't gone to my therapist for a few weeks and I don't plan on going back. I went to a few sessions and they helped, but I don't feel the need to start back again. I am doing good, better than I have in 4 months. It is sweet summertime, time to do stuff for me. I don't have school which means more time on my hands. I want to take a few roadtrips, spend time with both of my families, go to a few concerts, meet new people and work on friendships from my past that I destroyed. I want to go back to the old Sarah completely, the one my friends in high school knew, the one my parents miss. I don't want to walk around sad anymore and regretting so much. I will always live with the guilt, but it no longer dominates my every thought and action. I can wake up in the morning with good thoughts, and not have to use my silly exercises to get me going. I listen to upbeat music now and am making myself try new things.
so friends, readers, old friends, new friends and family, welcome the summer with me! Shoot me a text, tweet my name, message me on facebook, catch up. I am a great listener and I love to give advice...no matter what the issue is. I have gotten so many responses from this silly blog it is inspiring me to reach out. I have readers who have emailed me, total strangers, asking for advice if they are in similar situations. I love getting those emails and I always take my time responding. Live it up this summer, have no regrets and as always, 'do what you like and like what you do.'
Until next time friends!

And oh yes, listen to this song. Talk about amazing. We found this on my ex's laptop and I must say it is my new favorite song and artist!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jEDdFm3Nx0&ob=av3n

Random

Hey kids, I am blogging to you from the airport in Minneapolis, Minnesota. As many of you know I am flying out to see my best friend for a much needed vacation and get away from real life. These past two weeks have been difficult for no apparent reason and I have had a hard time coming up with something to write about.
I don't want to bore you all to tears with my emotional issues, because everyone has them. We all have issues that are dealt with on a daily basis. Some are minor setbacks that can be forgotten about and others seem to be earth shattering. Mine are a mixture of both, as I'm sure most people's are. Like I've said before, this is not a pity post. Just time to start getting things off my chest and to confide in my readers.
First off, I am not ok. I don't know how to tell you this any other way. Some days I don't think I can survive through the guilt. As you know, my ex passed away in February. We had been broken up for a few months, fact. I was no longer in love with him, fact. I was learning to live by myself (and liked it), fact. I missed him daily, fact. I was starting to overlook our issues in hopes of a relationship again, fact. I killed him, fact.
Don't worry your pretty heads, I did not kill him literally. But I gave up on him, after many others had. I quit trying to better him as a person. I was no longer his best friend, his go-to for advice. His fiance. I was nothing to him and I had yelled at him during the last conversation we ever had, will ever have. The guilt is unreal. I know he was a grown man and could take care of himself. I know everything you could ever say to me, because I have heard it all. But I don't believe it and I never will.
I wake up every day and say good morning to my guardian angel. I ask him to forgive me over and beg him not to hate me. I then go through a series of mental exercises my therapist taught me just to get myself up and running. This sounds pitiful, trust me I know. It's embarrassing and seems to be too much, but it helps. It helps to keep me in the light and out of the dark. It gets me through each day without a breakdown, and reminds me I am still alive and need to live my life. I realize I can't go back in time to change things and that I need to accept them. Acceptance is a daily hurdle I must leap over. Most days I do, and that means another day out of my way. For those of you who have lost someone close and dear, you are not alone. They are with you always, whether you feel their presence or not. Look for the signs, and you will see them. Keep your head held up high and smile. On that happy, but sad note: let the vacation begin! For a whole week I vow not to worry about finances, school, my future, work- related drama, nothing. Nada. Zilch. I am going to enjoy myself, drink some yummy fruity alcohol drinks and spend time with the one person who has never let me down and ironically few out to Indy for the funeral. Until I am back in Indy my friends. over

School's Out!

last day of school! last day of school! yes, I do feel terribly childish for chanting this during my [last] drive to class today. However, I have been looking forward to this day since the second week of the semester...think back to the month of January. The reason? I am lost. Seriously lost. I am taking out loan after loan for school, when I have no direction whatsoever. I do not have a career path, I have no interest in a certain subject and I have no motivation to continue with college.
ask me what i wanted to do... say back in high school. I worked my butt off for the high school yearbook, and was granted the 'editor' title my senior year. I could write a copy block in a matter of minutes, and have it up to publish-able level in a few days. My passion was for everything journalism. Writing, photography, design and the leadership and responsibilities I used to guide my staff. I was learning APStyle like the back of my hand, I could look at a spread and instantly point out errors and come up with a title and sub title within a matter of minutes. I loved what I was doing and planned to continue through college and into life as a bona fide journalism nerd. 
what happened? Well, I took time off of school once graduating, and lost my touch (as you can tell while reading my blogs.) I forgot the simplest journalism skills and felt like a newbie. When I started at IUPUI last January my J100 class was not what I was expecting. I wanted deadlines, newsworthy stories and something to show at the end of the semester for my hard work. None of this happened and I gave up on my dreams in journalism. Since then, I have found nothing to capture my interest class-wise. I felt let down when I could find no help from IUPUI, no offense Jaguars, and ended up taking random classes last fall and this spring. 
My momentum has fallen downhill since last August, and plummeted completely this past February. When burying my ex, I was listing his accomplishments in my head. I was also going through the goals he and I had set during our relationship, and cried for the loss of them. If I died tomorrow, would I have done what I wanted? Heck no I wouldn't! I would be miserably taking random class after class, terrified to take more time off and get the student loan bill. As backwards as it sounds, it's cheaper to stay in school and take out loans drop out and start paying the bill. So I started thinking about my future, what each class would represent when it came down to my major. First off, anyone who saw what I had taken would say I was pretty damn diversified. So I am sticking to general studies. It can be fit into numerous profiles and gives me the chance to explore every type of subject offered. I am transferring to Ivy Tech in the fall in order to save money and take more classes at a time. I figure if I am going to blow loan money, I might as well blow less of it.
today's point? Honestly, I am not sure. This is one of those random blogs I am instructed by my therapist to write when I am feeling the need to share. Today has helped me in convincing myself that I am doing the right thing school wise. I am going to have a goal next semester and I plan on sticking to it 100 percent. I am going to spend my summer working, hanging out with friends and family, getting my kiddos once a week (no, not my legit kids, don't worry friends!) and learning to be myself again. Once August comes around, I will be prepared this time. When I finally graduate from college I will be able to add it to my done list, my "if I died tomorrow" list, my bucket list. For now, let the summer games begin!