Living Vicariously :)

ok readers, so far my quest to have a terrific summer is off to an amazing start! I am busy all day nearly every day. Time is flying by, which made me realize I have not updated in a week or so. I have been spending a great deal with Shawn and Alyssa (sissy), my ex's grand kids. They are the love of my life and I would truly do anything for these two. They light up at the smallest things and genuinely love coming over to my place for a night or two. They ask for chocolate chip pancakes, we have family movie night, go golfing, have long talks and just have fun. I feel like a kid again and feel so important in their lives. Yeah, I'm kinda crazy about these two. They keep me grounded, in a good way, and remind me about the small things in life that we tend to forget about while on the go.
went to the 500 on Sunday with one of my best friends and had a blast. Yeah I thought it would be weird to go without him for the first time but it really wasn't. I felt nostalgic and definitely missed him and I doing our 500 weekend rituals, but I am too much of a race fan to give up something I very much enjoy. We drank Daily's frozen daiquiris, took pictures and got some great sun. I must say it was one of the greatest races I've watched in a while. With over 31 lead changes and the accident during the final lap, we were constantly on the edge of our seats. I am hoping to go to the Brickyard 400 this year and take Shawn, redneck much? We shall see how work goes and how cheap I can buy tickets. 
all in all this last week has been so darn good. I am honestly happy and don't think too much about the bad stuff. I am constantly on the go (waiting for gas to go even lower ;)) and surround myself with the people who mean the most to me. I am going to my parents more often, spending a lot of time in Brownsburg with my second family and make plans with friends almost daily. Life is going so good right now I am almost waiting for the next shoe to drop. Keep your fingers crossed it doesn't happen. 
Until next time friends! 

Sweet Summertime

hey kiddos,
I know it has been a while since I have written to you all. Life has been busy lately (no complaints eh?). With Missouri two weeks ago, which was amazing and working my doubles I haven't had much to blog about. 
let's start with Missouri, talk about a spectacular time. I visited my best friend, my separated at birth blonde at heart twin. We have been best friends for years, even with her living in Hawaii (jealous much?) and us not talking for a few years. She is the type you can always count on and doesn't judge your actions. I flew out and spent the week living with her, her fiance and their roommate. I didn't stress about a single thing other than what type of alcoholic beverage to try next or what munchie to buy at the grocery store. We spent hours catching up on life, talking about the silliest stuff and just relaxed. It reminded me how important our friendship is. I considered moving out there...even apartment shopped a bit. We had a plan on how to move everything out there and for me to get a fresh start. To be honest, if I wasn't in a lease I would have canceled my flight back to Indy.
and then i came home... and realized how much I am needed in Indy right now. I missed my parents, my brother and their doggies. I missed my other family, the Freije's and was reminded how important they are and how much I love spending time in Brownsburg. I came back to reality when I got home, and for now decided to put Missouri on hold. Let's start with Saturday, the 12th. I had no food, a crappy phone and a bunch of birthdays and holidays to shop for. I spent the day blowing through my cash and treated myself to the...wait for it...ta daaaa IPHONE!! I never spend that type of money on myself, and regretted it at first, but no way will I ever go back to Android - sorry Shelly!! I went back to work on Mothers Day and when I first walked into Cracker Barrel after a week off, I realized how many good friends I have there. My managers all said hi, asked how my vacation was and everyone made a point to come up and chat. I guess after being there for almost three years that is the reaction when your gone for so long. And as cheesy as it sounds, it felt really good to be back.
on monday, I heard the horrible news of my ex's ex mother-in-law (figure that one out) passing away. Her name was Sally and she was an absolute sweetheart. I went to the showing and was there for the family. This was when it hit me I need to stay in Indy for a little while longer. The showing was at the same mortuary as Tom's and that was difficult to go through. But I was able to see the whole family again and I felt so lucky to have them back in my life. I get to see his grandkids, who I call my kiddos, and keep them once a week this summer. This starts tonight!! I am so excited, it is absolutely ridiculous. Tom and I use to take them for a few days at a time during the summer and we would go fishing, golfing, swimming and cookout with them. They mean the world to me and I think it will be good for all three of us to do stuff together. They are having a rough time adjusting to their papaw being gone and I really hope to help them.
i haven't gone to my therapist for a few weeks and I don't plan on going back. I went to a few sessions and they helped, but I don't feel the need to start back again. I am doing good, better than I have in 4 months. It is sweet summertime, time to do stuff for me. I don't have school which means more time on my hands. I want to take a few roadtrips, spend time with both of my families, go to a few concerts, meet new people and work on friendships from my past that I destroyed. I want to go back to the old Sarah completely, the one my friends in high school knew, the one my parents miss. I don't want to walk around sad anymore and regretting so much. I will always live with the guilt, but it no longer dominates my every thought and action. I can wake up in the morning with good thoughts, and not have to use my silly exercises to get me going. I listen to upbeat music now and am making myself try new things.
so friends, readers, old friends, new friends and family, welcome the summer with me! Shoot me a text, tweet my name, message me on facebook, catch up. I am a great listener and I love to give advice...no matter what the issue is. I have gotten so many responses from this silly blog it is inspiring me to reach out. I have readers who have emailed me, total strangers, asking for advice if they are in similar situations. I love getting those emails and I always take my time responding. Live it up this summer, have no regrets and as always, 'do what you like and like what you do.'
Until next time friends!

And oh yes, listen to this song. Talk about amazing. We found this on my ex's laptop and I must say it is my new favorite song and artist!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jEDdFm3Nx0&ob=av3n

Random

Hey kids, I am blogging to you from the airport in Minneapolis, Minnesota. As many of you know I am flying out to see my best friend for a much needed vacation and get away from real life. These past two weeks have been difficult for no apparent reason and I have had a hard time coming up with something to write about.
I don't want to bore you all to tears with my emotional issues, because everyone has them. We all have issues that are dealt with on a daily basis. Some are minor setbacks that can be forgotten about and others seem to be earth shattering. Mine are a mixture of both, as I'm sure most people's are. Like I've said before, this is not a pity post. Just time to start getting things off my chest and to confide in my readers.
First off, I am not ok. I don't know how to tell you this any other way. Some days I don't think I can survive through the guilt. As you know, my ex passed away in February. We had been broken up for a few months, fact. I was no longer in love with him, fact. I was learning to live by myself (and liked it), fact. I missed him daily, fact. I was starting to overlook our issues in hopes of a relationship again, fact. I killed him, fact.
Don't worry your pretty heads, I did not kill him literally. But I gave up on him, after many others had. I quit trying to better him as a person. I was no longer his best friend, his go-to for advice. His fiance. I was nothing to him and I had yelled at him during the last conversation we ever had, will ever have. The guilt is unreal. I know he was a grown man and could take care of himself. I know everything you could ever say to me, because I have heard it all. But I don't believe it and I never will.
I wake up every day and say good morning to my guardian angel. I ask him to forgive me over and beg him not to hate me. I then go through a series of mental exercises my therapist taught me just to get myself up and running. This sounds pitiful, trust me I know. It's embarrassing and seems to be too much, but it helps. It helps to keep me in the light and out of the dark. It gets me through each day without a breakdown, and reminds me I am still alive and need to live my life. I realize I can't go back in time to change things and that I need to accept them. Acceptance is a daily hurdle I must leap over. Most days I do, and that means another day out of my way. For those of you who have lost someone close and dear, you are not alone. They are with you always, whether you feel their presence or not. Look for the signs, and you will see them. Keep your head held up high and smile. On that happy, but sad note: let the vacation begin! For a whole week I vow not to worry about finances, school, my future, work- related drama, nothing. Nada. Zilch. I am going to enjoy myself, drink some yummy fruity alcohol drinks and spend time with the one person who has never let me down and ironically few out to Indy for the funeral. Until I am back in Indy my friends. over

School's Out!

last day of school! last day of school! yes, I do feel terribly childish for chanting this during my [last] drive to class today. However, I have been looking forward to this day since the second week of the semester...think back to the month of January. The reason? I am lost. Seriously lost. I am taking out loan after loan for school, when I have no direction whatsoever. I do not have a career path, I have no interest in a certain subject and I have no motivation to continue with college.
ask me what i wanted to do... say back in high school. I worked my butt off for the high school yearbook, and was granted the 'editor' title my senior year. I could write a copy block in a matter of minutes, and have it up to publish-able level in a few days. My passion was for everything journalism. Writing, photography, design and the leadership and responsibilities I used to guide my staff. I was learning APStyle like the back of my hand, I could look at a spread and instantly point out errors and come up with a title and sub title within a matter of minutes. I loved what I was doing and planned to continue through college and into life as a bona fide journalism nerd. 
what happened? Well, I took time off of school once graduating, and lost my touch (as you can tell while reading my blogs.) I forgot the simplest journalism skills and felt like a newbie. When I started at IUPUI last January my J100 class was not what I was expecting. I wanted deadlines, newsworthy stories and something to show at the end of the semester for my hard work. None of this happened and I gave up on my dreams in journalism. Since then, I have found nothing to capture my interest class-wise. I felt let down when I could find no help from IUPUI, no offense Jaguars, and ended up taking random classes last fall and this spring. 
My momentum has fallen downhill since last August, and plummeted completely this past February. When burying my ex, I was listing his accomplishments in my head. I was also going through the goals he and I had set during our relationship, and cried for the loss of them. If I died tomorrow, would I have done what I wanted? Heck no I wouldn't! I would be miserably taking random class after class, terrified to take more time off and get the student loan bill. As backwards as it sounds, it's cheaper to stay in school and take out loans drop out and start paying the bill. So I started thinking about my future, what each class would represent when it came down to my major. First off, anyone who saw what I had taken would say I was pretty damn diversified. So I am sticking to general studies. It can be fit into numerous profiles and gives me the chance to explore every type of subject offered. I am transferring to Ivy Tech in the fall in order to save money and take more classes at a time. I figure if I am going to blow loan money, I might as well blow less of it.
today's point? Honestly, I am not sure. This is one of those random blogs I am instructed by my therapist to write when I am feeling the need to share. Today has helped me in convincing myself that I am doing the right thing school wise. I am going to have a goal next semester and I plan on sticking to it 100 percent. I am going to spend my summer working, hanging out with friends and family, getting my kiddos once a week (no, not my legit kids, don't worry friends!) and learning to be myself again. Once August comes around, I will be prepared this time. When I finally graduate from college I will be able to add it to my done list, my "if I died tomorrow" list, my bucket list. For now, let the summer games begin!