Monday, May 7, 2012


Hey kids, I am blogging to you from the airport in Minneapolis, Minnesota. As many of you know I am flying out to see my best friend for a much needed vacation and get away from real life. These past two weeks have been difficult for no apparent reason and I have had a hard time coming up with something to write about.
I don't want to bore you all to tears with my emotional issues, because everyone has them. We all have issues that are dealt with on a daily basis. Some are minor setbacks that can be forgotten about and others seem to be earth shattering. Mine are a mixture of both, as I'm sure most people's are. Like I've said before, this is not a pity post. Just time to start getting things off my chest and to confide in my readers.
First off, I am not ok. I don't know how to tell you this any other way. Some days I don't think I can survive through the guilt. As you know, my ex passed away in February. We had been broken up for a few months, fact. I was no longer in love with him, fact. I was learning to live by myself (and liked it), fact. I missed him daily, fact. I was starting to overlook our issues in hopes of a relationship again, fact. I killed him, fact.
Don't worry your pretty heads, I did not kill him literally. But I gave up on him, after many others had. I quit trying to better him as a person. I was no longer his best friend, his go-to for advice. His fiance. I was nothing to him and I had yelled at him during the last conversation we ever had, will ever have. The guilt is unreal. I know he was a grown man and could take care of himself. I know everything you could ever say to me, because I have heard it all. But I don't believe it and I never will.
I wake up every day and say good morning to my guardian angel. I ask him to forgive me over and beg him not to hate me. I then go through a series of mental exercises my therapist taught me just to get myself up and running. This sounds pitiful, trust me I know. It's embarrassing and seems to be too much, but it helps. It helps to keep me in the light and out of the dark. It gets me through each day without a breakdown, and reminds me I am still alive and need to live my life. I realize I can't go back in time to change things and that I need to accept them. Acceptance is a daily hurdle I must leap over. Most days I do, and that means another day out of my way. For those of you who have lost someone close and dear, you are not alone. They are with you always, whether you feel their presence or not. Look for the signs, and you will see them. Keep your head held up high and smile. On that happy, but sad note: let the vacation begin! For a whole week I vow not to worry about finances, school, my future, work- related drama, nothing. Nada. Zilch. I am going to enjoy myself, drink some yummy fruity alcohol drinks and spend time with the one person who has never let me down and ironically few out to Indy for the funeral. Until I am back in Indy my friends. over

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